| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|03:53 pm] |
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Do you have any idea how much it hurts? Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep on ticking when your entire insides have been ripped out? I feel so heavy... for being so hallow. Fuck. |
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| Things |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|09:10 pm] |
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Things have gotten better... much better. It was like something clicked. Just one day after one of our many fights and talks about how I can't take being treated like this anymore, he changed. Or he UNchanged. He started being the man I married again. Things have been great. We still have work to do, we are working on rebuilding trust (and doing well at it), and he is working on rebuilding a relationship with God. (pray for him please). Things are good though. Real Good. |
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| wow |
[Aug. 31st, 2008|11:03 pm] |
Ok, so its been a really really long time since I have posted anything here. But things have been crazy lately and I really need an outlet. I dont know where to start...
oh wait...
... yeah I do
I HATE FUCKING DELICH!!!
Nothing has been the same since he decided to go on his little killing spree. I am so mad at what he took... it goes so much further then the obvious. I'm not going to get into how horrible it is for Roy to have lost his dad and how hard it is for Nohemy and will be for Sam. Even though it is and my heart breaks for them, this is my journal and thats not what I need to get out.
He took my husband from me. Roy is still physically with me and is pretty much healthy (all but the weight loss), but he is not the same person. He went through this phase ever since. Everything was my fault. I was the source of all his pain. Nothing I could do was right. He said horrible horrible things to me... things I dont want to repeat here. It got to the point where I was afraid of him. I was afraid to talk to him cause I knew it would result in a huge fight every time. He is working on it and getting better... I am trying too... but things aren't the same. I don't feel loved. I dont feel like he is being genuine when he is being sweet. There is now something between us. I have faith that things will get better and we will be like we were before. but what do I do now? I am being strong and will stand by him through anything, I really love him with everything inside of me... but I am sad at what we are losing.
Roy and I never got to have the whole honeymoon stage. The military split us up for almost a year, and now that we get to be together it is so hard. And not the normal he leaves his socks on the floor kind of hard (though we have that stuff too), but the kind of hard that no one should ever have to go through. He lost his hero... tragicly. And I am just not enough, and I am reminded of that everytime he looks past me not at me, when I spend forever getting all cute just to take him food at his post and barely get a hello, when I try and try and try and dont get any real emotion out of him.
I want romance. I wanted to celebrate our anniversary. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to feel beautiful
I fucking hate Delich |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|07:01 pm] |
this weekend was perfect. I got to spend the whole weekend with my wonderful amazing husband. We laughed all day and held on to each other all night. It was my last full weekend with him for the next seven months. It will be hard, but so worth it. As Alkaline Trio so wonderfully put it "A Thousand Miles Aint Shit To Walk If I'm Walking To Hold You!" So cheers to a perfect weekend :)
P.S.
 RIGHT after the tat was finished... The redness and harsh lines will fade..
 MY BABY!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2007|11:39 pm] |
BLISS!!
KENDALL FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|05:36 pm] |
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Plus One Spinning rush of breathlessness Passion, purity and innocence Soaring well above the ground Blind and deaf to all around Consumed by chaos and clarity A poet's desire is my reality Lips bring a weakness like no other Not needing to hide, needing no cover Each moment brings exponential growth Never questioning the truth of my oath Unstoppable with His power and grace Forever faithful, I've made my case Our story begins where a fairytale ends Together we'll face whatever life sends |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|06:41 pm] |
Kendall Fish-
Are you ever on this anymore? I hardly am, I pretty much check it for updates on you. I usually walk away empty handed. I miss you bunches! Call me sometime before I go to BMT. that is all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|02:50 pm] |
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I can't believe I am finally moving away from Tucson... seriously, this is nuts. It feels like I am only going on a short trip... but I'm not. I will be in apartments in San Antonio until December 11th... then In San Antonio on base in the dorms for BMT through January... then San Angelo, TX for my tech school until June or July... then who knows... maybe Japan. Wow. This has been my home for 21 years. I am about to start out on a most excellent adventure. I dont know how my life turned out this way. I am married to an amazing guy, I have (or will have) a wonderful career, I have great family and friends, I will be traveling! I never imagined I would be this happy. I leave thursday. |
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| I am married to the sexiest man alive!!! |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|08:18 pm] |
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My stomach still does that whole butterflly, jump, squeezy thing evertime I even see a picture of him... When we get a chance to kiss... fireworks!
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| Take my breath away... |
[Oct. 21st, 2007|02:22 pm] |
I just said good-bye to my husband agian... but it won't be so bad this time. I am moving back up here in about a week and a half, and he will have his phone back tomorrow.
I can't express how amazing it was to see him. He has grown so much. I dont really even know what to say about this weekend. It was just amazing. The time we going to spend in the hotel was the best. We would just talk and goof off like we always do. I would lay in his lap and he would caress my face and look into my eyes... ::grins:: I love him. There were lots of tears this weekend. Everytime I saw him in his blues my heart would fill so much with pride and before I knew it I would have to wipe a tear off my cheek. I am so excited about BMT now. Scared. But I'm sure it is what I want to do. (I freaked out about it for a bit... but who wouldnt right?) :-)
Love,
Mrs. Katie Hite!
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| I-N-S-A-N-E |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|03:44 am] |
So I leave in a few hours to see Roy. I cant wait. I only get a few hours with him Thursday... but I get most of the day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (but absolutly no PDA, stupid military rules). I cant sleep to save my life. I started this trying to sleep process around 9:00. I got about an hour and ha half from 12:00-1:30... but that was the best I could do. I am so excited to see him, and so nervous too. I cant wait to move up there to be with him (I cant live with him, but I can see him in the evenings and on weekends... but only on base). It is going to be so hard having to say goodbye to him again in December when I go in. God... I need your help. It's just too much time apart, thats all.
I am so proud of him my heart is about to burst. I cant seem to shake stupid insecurities... will he still think I'm sexy? Will he be disappointed when he sees me? Will he like the scrapbook I made him? Will he have out grown me?
I still dont know how I will be able to not burst into tears the second I see him... I probably will. I cant stop crying right now. It is just so hard being away from him. It hurts all over.
I am so proud of him, but at the same time I am envious of my friends who have civilian spouses or significant others. Some days I would kill for that. Yeah sure, we would both be struggling, trying to balance school with working at a dead end job... but everynight we would get to come home to eachother. I would get to hear his voice everyday. I would get those reassuring looks that he always gives... the ones that tell me he adores me, all of me. How that happened I dont know. He is an amazing man... now ALSO an Airman... and he adores ME?!?! I dont think I'll ever quite understand that. He is absolutly perfect, and I am (to put it nicely) not. I am clumbsy, I freak out over stupid stuff, I mess things up alot, I am forgetful, and pretty much insane... but he loves me anyway. He loves all that stuff about me. How does that happen?
I cant tell you how many times a day I fall in love with him all over again... it happens everytime I remember the way he first kissed me... or told me he loved me. It happens every time I remember a kiss, or his wonderful laugh...
My alarm is suppose to go off in an hour... sleep is just not happening tonight... wish me luck... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|05:36 pm] |
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I got my second phone call from my love yesterday morning. It was so good to hear his voice. He mentioned the possibility of me moving up to San Antonio after he graduates Basic. I would be there till I go into basic while he is in his tech school. I just have so many questions. I don't know if he would be able to live with me, and I dont know if he would be able to move into the apartment for the rest of the lease after I leave for BMT (there is a phase system where you earn more privlidges). I am so confused. I sorta wish I hadn't decided to enlist, just because it is making everything more complex. I just want to be near my love... thats all there is to it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|12:24 pm] |
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A day out with the girls... and Jake
My Sister-In-Law
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|11:12 pm] |
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I got my first letter today. He really is amazin! |
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| I confess.. |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|01:02 pm] |
I confess that I am a proud Airforce Wife
I confess that I have not heard anything from him in almost 3 weeks, and it is killing me
I confess that I get angry very quickly when he is gone (for really dumb stuff)
I confess that I talk to myself (outloud) at night so I am not quite so lonely
I confess that we only were able to spend 3 weeks together as husband and wife, and have now been apart for longer then that. It's not ok.
I confess that I have second thoughts about enlisting myself
I confess that I don't always say the right things in my letters
I confess that I know when the mail woman comes
I confess that I usually run out to meet her at the mail box... even though I have yet to recieve one letter
I confess that I feel like a fake when I smile
I confess that it is so hard to get out of bed
I confess that everytime the phone rings I pray that it is a long distance number... that its him
I confess that I love him more everyday
I confess that I am the luckiest girl in the world, even though I cry myself to sleep at night... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|09:57 am] |
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I know I have been complaining in here alot. Its just a way to vent I guess. I really am lucky, and I recognize that. I am loved by the most amazing man in the world. And THAT is a great feeling |
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| tuesdays are the hardest |
[Sep. 26th, 2007|12:06 am] |
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I love him... and not being wiht him is killing me. It would be nice to feel like even half a person again... how am I suppose to live away from him till June? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2007|11:17 am] |
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I miss him... so much more then i ever thought possible. |
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| my mom... |
[Sep. 20th, 2007|01:43 pm] |
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... should go on what not to wear. She is soooooo cute! |
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